It's 12.52 in the morning, and i think my life is offically over, for good. I have a self harm problem, i don't know if i ever blogged about it before, but yeah, for about a year. A few months ago by mom found out, and altough she found out about it, what happened urged me to do it more. She said 'Stupid people do stupid things. Your gonna have to stop'.. That's it. I'm a stupid person. She wasnt worried, she just called me stupid, and lately i have been pretty fragile, and THAT did not make it better.
So, from then until an hour ago, she thought i had stopped. She sorted my Pj's out for me... Short sleeved nightie. I said 'can i not just where this for bed?' then she said ' Why? are you hiding something?' Thats when it clicked. She told me to show her my arms, and i refused. I said i was busy. She started shouting, saying she's going to tell my dad (She never told him, although i think she told my brother) But, i still didn't show her.. do you want to know what she said next?
She said 'Whats wrong with you? Whats wrong with your mind?' She thinks i'm a freak... i guess i am to be honest, but still, i didn't expect her to say that.
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. She says she's going to take me to the doctors, but i refuse. My life is offically over. I just want to cry...
WAAA.
I don't know if you are ever going to read this but I decided it might be worth a shot, trying to get this comment to you.
ReplyDeleteActually, I really do not know what I can say to comfort you.. and all I can really give is an unseen morale support..so to start off, *gives a virtual hug*.
Although we may not know each other, and have not even talk to each other at all, reading your posts have allowed me to understand you more - you write really well.
The post about being afraid to make friends, I really do understand what you mean - because I too, don't have that one person I can go to for anything, or tell anything too as I, like you, also have an emotional barrier I have yet to overcome. Although, unlike you, I hadn't been betrayed countless time, but just lost my trust in one of my most respected and close one - my father. But that's another story altogether.
'I always put other people infront of me, so why won't someone do the same for me?' - I have also wondered the same thing as you, but as time goes on, I realize that life is a selfish thing, probably because others too, are not sure who they can really really trust and know that if they put someone else first, they will be the one to 'lose' and be left behind; and nobody would want that so in order for survival, they have no choice but to put themselves first. Another perspective I had of this is that the others are not living your life, and might probably think that you have someone you can hold on for 'support' hence they do not think about 'putting you first'.
About wanting to be with him, yet hating to be with him; believe it or not but I understand it too, it's a dilemma that just puts anyone in a standstill situation, it's as if life gets stuck and does not go on; because of the fear of getting hurt - either afraid he hurts you or leave one day. But I've read somewhere that if you do not dare to get hurt, you'll never truly live - because life is all about getting hurt, falling down, falling in love, learning from your hurt and standing up again.
This advice may be very very very hard to accept, because I too, have yet to fully accept it - the emotional wall inside is very hard to break down; once someone came close and tried to help me break it down but it ended up only getting higher, then I realize it is a barrier that only I can overcome alone, because with this emotional walls we have built, we have enclosed ourselves in our own sort of world and I believe, only when we have cleared our thoughts and put our pain and past behind, can we start anew again.
And about the parents issue - I think your mum might just be very afraid, she don't know everything after all; and people tend to be afraid of the unknown, she might just be too scared to make a proper reply and ends up sort of 'blaming' you.
Remember, life is never over until you give up because I believe that things will always turn for the better.
Sorry for taking up your blog space and time with this wall of text (if you've read/ or is reading it) but as someone who has went through a similar encounter as yours, I can't bring myself to sit aside and do nothing... I may not give the best advice, I may not say the best word, I may not understand things or know things fully, but still, I wish to let you know that at least out there in this world, there is someone else who cares enough to post a long post on your blog, who cares enough to listen to any of your rant, and although I may not be able to do anything else, I hope I can still provide a listening ear and to tell you you are not alone - no one is ever alone; they just haven't met another person who understand them.
And I hope you won't mind the positiveness in my comment, too much positiveness can be grating on the ears sometime.
Take care, and feel free to contact me @ gemtears@gmail.com should you have any rants or need any help, I'll do my best.
Oh and you're not a freak! Everyone's just different!
My mom used to cut herself, I only found out recently when I noticed the scars on her arms. I've read your blog, and I plan to keep reading it as long as you write it. I have no one I can talk to, no best friend, as well. I scratch at my head until it bleeds. The friends I do have expect me to listen to them about their stupid "problems" without supporting me as well. They think I'm unnemotional. Reading this made me feel somewhat less lonely. Oh and as for having borderline personality disorder, that's not so bad, and real freind won't hate you for it. I have a friend who has bipolar disorder and he is the only one of my friends who truly has it hard, he gets all quiet and dazed for months at a time. Huhu, coments longer than the blog itself. I liked your avatar on mangafox so that's why I clicked your link btw.
ReplyDeleteWell I can't say things as well as Faye Gem did, but I am here to listen as well. As long as you post and as long as you need someone to listen, I will. ^ ^
ReplyDeleteYou're not a freak. You're just looking for a way out. How about every time you feel like harming yourself you come and write something here? Think of it as your place to let go of whatever's bothering you. Know that there are people here willing to listen and help if they can.